Seattle Sunrise
by SquishyCool
Summary: Based on the 3OH!3 song "Colorado Sunrise". Spencer wants to be 'normal', but Sam thinks something differently. One-shot songfic. Spencer/OFC, but essentially Spam.


**A/N: **This is based on the 3OH!3 song "Colorado Sunrise". If you haven't heard it, I suggest you go give it a listen. It's pretty amazing. It inspired me to write this. Yeah, I changed the title to "Seattle Sunrise", because I like that and it fits the story better. Paragraphs in italics are the lyrics - obviously. Also obviously, this story is set in the future, probably when Sam, Carly, and Freddie are around 18 or 19. It's rated T for a few cuss words, but that's about it. So, if you read this, please review it; let me know if you love it, hate it, what I can do to improve, etc. Thanks!

* * *

**Seattle Sunrise  
**

_And if I had something to say to you, I'd whisper it softly,__  
Kiss you on your rosy lips and never let you off me.__  
Shiver on your roof and see your face lit by starlight,  
Hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise._

As I hold onto her, hugging her body close to mine, I look down at her peaceful face. She's finally asleep, the tears on her face dried. She's resting like she needs to be. I feel tired, but I don't want to close my eyes and lose the sight of her. I want to sit here and stare at her for as long as possible. Just watching her puts me at ease and makes me feel like nothing is wrong.

I lean my face down next to hers and softly kiss her cheek, careful as to not disturb her. Then I put my lips against her ear and whisper almost silently, "I love you, Sam."

I let my eyelids rest for just a moment, and the memories of the past few days fill my head. I can still see her perfect face, the image almost imprinted to the back of my eyelids. I'm so thankful to have her here now, the stars the only light around us. A light breeze floats over us, and I shiver slightly. I hold her closer, sharing my body warmth and letting her have most of the blanket that covers us. I've never slept on the roof, but if it means I can stay by her side all night, I'm completely willing to for once.

My heart aches, though, with the pain I know she's felt. I've comforted her the best that I can, but her tears still stain my shirt and my mind. I wish I could take back every terrible thing I've done… I'd take it all back if it meant her being happy.

_I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made  
Plus my tongue is tied to tonsils and I need to shit and shave  
I'm a shade too pale for handsome and have habits I can't shake,  
And if you try to take that from me, well I'll never be the same  
Train wreck, that I am  
And I am what I am what I am  
A train wreck, that I am…_

I had denied loving her for so long. It hurt her, and I knew it, but I'd never wanted to face the truth. It had taken years of watching her and growing closer to her… It also took a terrible relationship, to make me realize the truth.

When I began dating Delaney, I thought she was perfect. She was beautiful and nice, funny and caring. She was sweet and on her way to success; she seemed to accept me for me, and she thought I was funny and sweet and a great boyfriend. But as the months went on, I realized what a mistake she was.

She wanted to change me.

I'll admit: I'm a train wreck. I make mistakes, sometimes repeatedly, and I'm clumsy; I hurt people when I don't mean to, and I get hurt too easily. Not to mention, there are some habits I have that I've just never been able to get rid of.

But all of that makes me who I am. I may be a train wreck, but I'm okay with it. When I was with Delaney, though, I wasn't okay with it. And she only made me feel worse about it, like I needed to fix myself and change to become normal. But I've never been normal, and I know I never could be. It's just who I am.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see a handsome guy; I see an awkward, slightly pale, sloppy guy. And I'm surprised when girls show any interest in me. Let alone a girl like Delaney. So, when she did show interest, I jumped on the opportunity. I thought she was the most amazing girl I'd ever met, and I wanted to be with her for as long as possible. She made me so happy.

But when she moved in with me, things changed. She rearranged my loft, and tried to hide my artwork. She said it was "tacky." She went through my closet and got rid of all the clothes she didn't like, then went out and bought me a whole bunch of new outfits. I thought it was generous of her at the time. I didn't think about how she was trying to mold me.

The longer we lived together, the more we started fighting. It seemed like every little thing I did annoyed her. She was constantly getting onto me for stupid things, and picking fights with me, and nagging me. She always wanted me to "try something different," or "do this instead of that." None of it felt right… but I went with it because I thought I was happy…

_And as long as it's okay with you, I think I'll stay right here.  
I got nowhere to go 'cause where to go is up to you, dear.  
Happy as a clam, I see the glimmer in your eyes.  
Hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise._

Sam is stirring, her head turning slightly to the side. She buries her face into my shirt, nuzzling against my body. I open my eyes and gaze down at her, smiling. She makes a small sound from her throat, like she's sleeping.

But then she mumbles, "I love you, Spence…"

My heart thumps. I smile and lean down to kiss her forehead again, my lips lingering on her soft skin a little while longer. I feel her fall back to rest in my arms, her body completely relaxed against me. I don't even want to move from this spot. I just want to stay here all night and hold her until the sun comes up, and then after that. I have no reason to leave, because she's my reason for everything. I realize that now. She's what's kept me going.

And it makes me glow inside to know that she wants me here. It gives me an indescribable feeling when she gets closer to me and rests her head on me. It feels like the entire world is in my hands when I have her in my arms, my hand gently going through her soft, blonde hair. I never want to move.

But I still think about how I hurt her for so long.  
_  
No car and never cared because I got no place to go.  
But in a room with a single wall, I couldn't pay a plant to grow  
You can try and make this pretty, pick up all my dirty clothes.  
And if you never really get me then I guess you'll never know the  
Train wreck, that I am  
And I am what I am what I am  
A train wreck, that I am…_

Delaney tried to control me in every way possible. Before her, I spent a lot of time with my little sister and Sam and Freddie, even though Carly had moved out months prior. I was still close with them, and despite the fact that I tried to deny it for a very long time, I liked Sam – a lot. I loved being around her and I loved spending time with her. When I talked to her, I felt like I was being listened to and being understood. But I pushed away all of those feelings because I thought they weren't right, and I thought Delaney was the right woman for me.

It took me too long to realize how wrong I was.

_I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made,  
Plus my tongue is tied to tonsils and I need to shit and shave  
I'm a shade too pale for handsome and have habits I can't shake,  
And if you try to take that from me, well I'll never be the same  
Train wreck, that I am  
And I am what I am what I am  
A train wreck, that I am…_

I remember when I finally came to realization of everything… It was when Sam had come over in the middle of one of me and Delaney's fights. We were fighting over something stupid – _again_ – and Sam had knocked on the door, but we were too busy bickering to hear, so she just came in.

" – and I've told you fifty fucking times, PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU GOT IT."

"Why does everything have to be in its own certain place all the time? It never used to be like that. You know, you CAN put things in other places once in a while, it doesn't matter! I've been doing it for years!"

Sam slowly pushed the door open and peeked her head in, seeing me and Delaney standing in the kitchen, arguing with each other. She rolled her eyes, sick of hearing us fight. She'd been around too many of our arguments, and she didn't care for Delaney much at all. She kept telling me I could do better, but I never listened.

She slipped into the loft, quietly closing the door behind her and pressing her back against it, watching us with careful eyes and waiting for the fight to end. She knew how they usually ended.

After several more words in raised voices, Delaney threw her hands up in frustration. "UGGHH!" she cried, and stomped away from me and up the stairs to what used to be the iCarly studio, but what she'd turned into a "study." She was the only one that ever went in there anymore, so that's always where she went after we fought.

I heard the familiar sound of the door slamming upstairs, and I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply, trying to calm myself. I was so sick of all the fighting. I didn't understand why she had to be so meticulous about _everything_.

"Hey, Spence," Sam greeted quietly from where she still stood at the front door.

I turned my head, startled. I hadn't even noticed her come in. "Oh, hey, Sam… what're you doing here?"

She shrugged. "Just thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing… I mean, we never talk anymore."

I sighed and looked down at the floor in defeat. "Yeah, I know… For some reason, Delaney doesn't like me really hanging out with you guys anymore, and the only one she really lets me call is Carly. But not for very long…"

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

I nodded, ashamed.

She sighed. "Spence… I hate this."

I looked up, seeing her cross the room to stand in front of me. She cocked her blonde head to the side, watching me curiously, her blue eyes narrowed in observation.

"What do you hate?" I asked her.

She pursed her lips, resting one hand on her hip and leaning on one leg, still looking at me like she was trying to understand something about me. "How you are now… how she's _making_ you."

I scoffed. "What do you mean, how she's making me? She's not making me into anything…"

Sam shook her head. "Spencer, don't act dumb. You know just as well as I do what she's doing here. And I can't stand to watch it go on any longer."

"Sam, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. If you're upset that we don't talk much anymore, well… it's probably for the better. I mean, Delaney does say that if I spent less time goofing around, I could get more done," I started, trying to make myself believe that Delaney only had my best interests in mind.

"Are you fucking joking? Listen to yourself, Spencer! I've been watching this go on for so long. I thought you'd see what was happening – see her for who she truly is! – and stop it. But you're only letting it happen. And you're even trying to make yourself believe she's right," Sam said, quickly getting frustrated with my ignorance. "It's sickening! She's trying to turn you into some kind of well-rounded, corporate _monster_."

I rolled my eyes. "Please, Sam… Having an office job doesn't make me a 'corporate monster.' It's called growing up. I can't just hang around here all the time and make sculptures and expect to always make a living that way. Now that Carly's moved out, Dad's not sending money anymore. I need to make a steady living – "

"Shut up, Spencer. I don't wanna hear this from you, of all people," she interrupted me sharply. "You used to be such a unique person… Now look at you. Have you looked at your house lately? At your room? At _yourself_? All of your artwork is hidden, there are no dirty clothes on the floor or weird garage sale objects all over your room, and you don't even dress the same. Everything you wear is clean and ironed… and has a _collar_! I mean, what the hell is this, a Delaney uniform?"

"I don't see why you care," I muttered lowly, staring her in the eyes now. "You're my sister's friend. Yeah, we used to talk a lot, but we're so far apart in age… you know something like that can't last forever. At some point, I've gotta move on and have a family of my own – "

"Why can't I be that family?"

I abruptly froze, my mouth shutting. I could tell she regretted saying it as soon as it came out, but it was too late now. Her eyes widened a little, looking at me in an almost pleading way now.

"Sam…"

"I'm sorry," she quickly said, trying to cover it up. "I – it slipped out. I…"

But her voice trailed off as I stared at her expectantly. She was standing normally now, her hands in front of her, held together. She was picking at her nails nervously, still watching me.

"What… does that even mean? You – "

"I love you," she finished for me, not wanting to hear any of my attempts at understanding. "I've loved you for so long, Spencer… I never thought I would, but when we started having all those conversations, staying on the phone for like, three hours, always hanging out, always joking around… Oh, God… You made me feel so _normal_. Whenever I talked to you, it felt like you were actually listening and understanding me instead of judging me and looking down on me, like everyone else does. I mean, to be honest, I told you things I've never even been able to tell Carly… I feel like you know. I feel like… I feel like I'm supposed to… when I'm with you, Spence. I know we're really far apart in age, but when we're together, it's like none of that matters, because it makes no difference. We're almost the same person…"

I narrowed my eyes, trying to absorb all this and comprehend it. She really felt that way? And she was just now admitting it all to me?

She was putting everything I felt into words… words I'd never wanted to admit to, because I thought they were wrong. But now that I heard them from her, it all felt like it could be right.

But I was with Delaney.

"Get out…"

Tears immediately welled up in Sam's eyes. "What…?"

I shut my eyes, keeping my face solemn. In order to do that, I couldn't look at her at that moment. I pointed to the door, raising my voice. "Get. Out."

"Spencer, why are you doing this?" she questioned.

I opened my eyes to see a tear run down each of her cheeks, her face weaker than I'd ever seen her let it be. I tried to ignore it and remember Delaney.

"Damn it, Sam… Get out. You – you're confusing your little girl crushes with something else, and you're saying all this because you're jealous of Delaney. I'm not going to put up with it," I said sternly. "Leave… Please."

I was trying to convince myself of all of this more than anything. I was trying to vindicate my actions. I knew they were wrong, but there was so much that felt wrong.

I heard Sam's breath hitch a little. "F-fine."

She roughly wiped away her tears, only to allow more to begin rolling down. She wiped at her eyes angrily, as if she were angry at herself for crying. She took a deep breath and quickly walked to the door, opening it. She paused, not turning around.

"I hope you're happy."

And then the door was slammed shut, and she was gone.

_Train wreck, that I am  
And I am what I am what I am…_

Once I had managed to compose myself, successfully forcing the tears back down, as well as the regret, I walked upstairs. When I reached the top, I was surprised to see Delaney standing there, her mouth in an angry line and her brown eyes burning holes through me.

"Hey," I greeted softly. "I'm sorry about earlier… I – "

"I don't wanna hear it," she interrupted me. "How _could _you?"

My eyebrows scrunched together with confusion, and I stared back at her. "What?"

"I heard everything," she said in a stern whisper, as if it were something shameful. "_Her_, Spencer? _Samantha_? She's _twelve years_ younger than you, for Christ's sake. Why did you hide this from me? Why did you have to break my heart like this?"

I stammered. "Wha – I – No, you don't understand, Delaney! Didn't you hear what I said to her? She – "

"I _said_, I don't wanna hear it," she repeated angrily. "Don't waste your time trying to explain… I'm leaving."

My heart dropped. "But, baby – "

"Don't even."

She shoved past me and marched downstairs in a huff. I quickly followed, desperate. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and watched as she went to my room and pulled a bag from the closet, then began yanking her clothes out of the dresser and packing them, a few tears streaming down her cheeks. I listened as she threw things around and slammed things and stomped.

She was really leaving… and it was Sam's fault.

Within a few minutes, Delaney emerged from my room with her jacket on and a bag over her shoulder. She headed straight for the door, not even looking at me as she said, "I'll be by for the rest of my stuff later… I hope you're happy."

And just like that, the door was slammed again, and another woman was out of my life.

_A train wreck  
That I am  
And I am what I am what I am…_

I became unbelievably angry… Not with Sam, not with Delaney, but with myself. Realization dawned on me, and it pissed me off. I had let the one woman who loved me for me walk out of my life – or rather, I _pushed_ her out – and I had let another woman I didn't really love control me and try to change me and mold me into what she wanted me to be.

I was the dumbest man alive.

In my anger, I ripped my stupid, collared shirt off over my head and threw it to the ground. Then, I marched straight into my room and started throwing things around. Everything that Delaney had made me like or convinced me to like, I broke. I overturned a few pieces of furniture, and I ripped the perfectly made, flowered bedspread off of my bed. After that, I went into the living room and started doing the same thing: everything that was Delaney became broken. I turned the expensive new couch over onto its back, and I grabbed everything she had bought to replace where my sculptures had been and threw it either against the wall or to the floor. I huffed around angrily, breaking every picture frame that held pictures of Delaney, or pictures that belonged to Delaney. I took the picture off of the front of the refrigerator and ripped it in half, then into fourths, then eighths, until it was nothing but bits and pieces of color and made-up love.

By the time I was done, the loft was destroyed. My anger was gone, but the pain remained. It throbbed inside of me, and ached in a way I couldn't stop. I sat on the floor against one of the walls, breathing heavily, tears pouring down my face. I pulled at my hair in frustration, so angry and upset with myself for being so _stupid_.

_Why _hadn't I listened to Sam? Why had I let Delaney take me over like that? Why did I lie and fake it and try to justify everything Delaney had done?

_**Why did I hurt Sam?**_

My lungs ached nearly as badly as my heart. I gripped my ribs, wanting it to stop. I wanted to go back. I wanted to listen to Sam, and tell her how right she was. I wanted to thank her for everything – for being there when no one else was, for listening to me, for understanding me, for laughing with me and comforting me when I cried, and for holding back her own pain as she watched Delaney destroy me, and watched me love someone who didn't appreciate who I truly was…

Before I really knew what I was doing, I had run from the apartment, down the hall, down all the flights of stairs, and through the lobby, out onto the sidewalk. I stopped, bending over and resting my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. The chilly air filled my lungs and numbed them just slightly. But Sam's face was all that rushed through my mind.

I had to find her; I had to apologize… But most of all, I had to tell her how much I loved her back.

I had run halfway to the bus stop when I remembered something: every time Sam had been upset, she had gone up to the roof of her house and sat there, alone. She said the stars and the fresh air made her feel better, and helped her to think more clearly. She said the sometimes-cold temperatures made her feel alive.

Now I had a destination.

I took a bus to the bus stop nearest Sam's house, and ran the rest of the way. When I reached the front yard of her home, I stopped and looked up, breathing heavily. I couldn't see her from there – she always sat on the roof facing her backyard.

I ran around to her backyard and climbed the fence, hopping down into the damp grass. I walked around and looked up, and sure enough, I spotted her: a shadow against the night sky sitting alone, her soft sobs only barely audible.

I looked around desperately, then saw a way to climb up the side of her house. I mustered up the strength and hoisted myself up, carefully climbing higher and higher until I'd reached the rough tiles of the roof. I scrambled up onto the flat surface and stood up, crouching down just slightly to keep my balance. I saw Sam sitting there with a blanket wrapped around her, her head down. The starlight caught the blonde of her hair. I slowly moved closer.

"Sam?" I whispered, nervous.

Her head shot up and in my direction. I saw her eyes narrow and her face harden. "What are _you_ doing here?"

I approached her. "I – I came to apologize… I'm sorry… for everything. You were right. I just didn't want to admit it. I – "

But before I could continue, she had stood up, abandoning her blanket and turning around, heading for her bedroom window. I rushed over to her and caught her arm gently, pulling her back to me with caution. "Please, Sam, just listen – "

She shook me off of her and looked back. "Leave. I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you again."

I could hear the pain and tears in her voice, and it stabbed like a knife through my heart. I didn't want this. She hated me now… but she had every reason to.

"Sam, I know you hate me, but just give me a chance to explain… I knew you were right. I just denied it because… because I thought Delaney actually loved me, and I thought she had my best interest in mind. I blinded myself to what she was doing. I thought she was trying to fix me… I thought she could make me normal…"

Sam's face softened, her teary eyes staring at me. "What do you mean, fix you? You thought you weren't normal? Why would you want to change?"

I was startled by her sudden bombardment of questions. "Well, I just always felt like a huge screw-up. I felt like I let a lot of people down most of the time, and like I was immature and irresponsible. I – I thought Delaney was helping me to grow up and learn how to act my age and all of that. I just wanted to be normal, so I wouldn't always feel like no one understood me or took me seriously…"

She slowly turned around until her body faced me, then lowered herself and sat down, hugging her knees to her chest, her eyes still focused on me. "But… _I_ understood you. _I_ took you seriously… So did Carly and Freddie… You were never _not_ normal. You were always just Spencer… That's what made me fall in love with you…"

I looked at her sadly, lowering myself down to sit as well, facing her. "I made a mistake… a big mistake… But I'm sorry. And if I could take it back, I would. I – I know you hate me, but – "

"I could never hate you. I'll always love you, no matter what."

I stopped, closing my mouth. She quickly looked down, as if she were ashamed she'd admitted that to me.

"I love you, too," I choked out, forcing against the knot in my throat.

She then looked up, her eyes hopeful now. She wiped away a tear. "You… you do?"

I nodded. "Everything you said at the apartment… it was everything I've been feeling put into words. I could never tell you. But when you said all that, it made everything so clear to me. I can't deny this anymore, Sam. We may be twelve years apart, but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm around you. It's something I've never been able to find with anyone else, no matter how hard I tried."

She looked down again, as if shying away from me. "I've loved you for a while, Spence. I never realized it. But when I did, it all made sense… And I know I can't find anyone else who understands me and listens to me like you do, or who I love being with as much. My best memories are the ones of you."

A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek, but I quickly wiped it away, wanting to appear strong to her. I slowly inched closer, then stopped, cautiously reaching my hand out and placing it on her cheek. It was wet from crying, but her skin was so soft. I stroked her cheek with my thumb, and she slowly raised her head, but averted her eyes away from mine.

"I'm so sorry, Sam," I whispered. "I never meant to hurt you like I did. And I'll do anything and everything it takes to show you how much I love you…"

I saw her inhale sharply, and with a burst of courage, I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers, closing my eyes. She didn't pull away or object, but instead, kissed me back. Both of our cheeks were wet, and my lips were dry, but none of that mattered. Everything about our kiss was imperfect and perfect at the same time. That's how it felt to be in love with her. She was imperfect – angry, mean, sometimes rude, sometimes obnoxious, honest, blatant, scarred, and tough – but that was what made her perfect. That was what made her Sam, and I loved her for every bit of it. She didn't try to fix those flaws, she just got used to them and didn't try to deny the fact that she was a train wreck. She let people know it, and if they didn't accept it, then she didn't need them.

She was perfection and more.

When we parted, I pulled away slowly and hesitantly, opening my eyes. I saw her blue eyes, glistening in the starlight, staring back at me, filled with pain, but somehow relieved. I weakly smiled at her. She did the same.

"I love you for everything you are, Spence," she whispered. "I don't want to change anything about you, and I don't want you to change yourself. You're perfect to me."

In response, I leaned in and kissed her again.

_Train wreck.  
That I am  
(if I had something to say to you, I'd whisper it softly)  
And I am what I am what I am  
(kiss you on your rosy lips and never let you off me)_

With all of my thoughts weighing on my mind, I'm still gazing down at her – beautiful, perfect, and everything I could never describe. I love her, and even though it's taken me this long to realize it, I'm glad that I do. I've never met anyone else like her, and I know I never will.

I gently caress her cheek with the back of my hand, still able to feel the tracks from the tears. I hold her closer, not wanting to ever let go.

And for the first time, I feel happy. Truly happy. I'm a train wreck, and I'm fine with that. Because so is Sam. But we love each other through all of it. I may not be perfect to anyone else, but this is who I am, and it's good enough for her. That's reason enough in itself to make me never want to change.

I look up and see the sky lightening, the stars beginning to thin out. The sun is rising, and I shiver as another breeze blows over me. I hold onto her, though, watching the sun slowly rise. And the Seattle sunrise may not be the best sunrise in the world, but it's the best I've ever seen.

_A train wreck  
That I am  
(shiver on your roof see your face lit by starlight)  
And I am what I am what I am  
(hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise)  
A train wreck.  
_

**einde.**


End file.
